Dolor hic tibi proderit olim.

Tonight, tonight

2006-11-09T03:50:27Z

What a cinematic night it is. Every time I am outside I can imagine myself in another place and personality. As I sat on the deck of my apartment and saw the lake beneath the buttermilk moon, I felt like I could have been huddled on the ledge of a building in Rome or Amsterdam beneath the same stars and sharing a cigarette or a bottle of wine with a friend or a stranger, it wouldn't matter who...

On a night like this the houses look different, you wonder more about the light inside and how it fills the rooms, wonder about the layout of the living room, and the people inside, their routines, their habits, their love lives. I walked past Lathrop Hall and I felt the overwhelming feeling that it was more alive somehow, and might be buzzing with a spiritual presence inside, like ghosts. I got the distinct feeling it was haunted, and it occurred to me to look into it.

I sat in front of my apartment watching over the trees, and thought about how wonderful and random their branches grew, departing from the trunk wherever they please and sprouting out wildly at different angles. They reminded me both of arteries and hundreds of little feet.

I love the night time so much. Magic settles in more comfortably when the sun is down, and you can just feel it in the air. It's a different world in many senses where darker things can happen, but it is a much more thrilling escapade. And the peaceful, beautiful aspect of the night can be far superior to the daytime. The look of the trees in the dark against a navy blue sky, and the moon, the stars, the lake, the wind, people's faces. They might glance at you a little bit longer, meet your eyes in passing instead of looking at the ground. Maybe it's because our guards are raised, or maybe it's because we feel a little less obligated to dutiful tasks, responsibility of the waking life. Instead we crawl out of our skin.

Nighttime is my favorite.

This is not for you...

2006-09-13T00:02:07Z

This is not for you, Dad, because I love you much and I want to talk about how betrayed I am and how much you've hurt me. That isn' why I'm doing this. This is for me because I have learned to preserve myself since I was a little girl. I've learned to protect myself from the things you say, and the mistakes you make regarding my family, and the negative, tyrannical presence you've posed in my life for such a long time. This was long in the coming, Dad, and it's going to be important and honest, don't you forget...this is for me.

I think something happens to a girl when she loses faith in her Daddy, when she comes to realize that he can hurt her and he will hurt her, when she finds out that her Daddy will never be her hero and rescue her, but will drive her further into the ground, into the dark until she's as lost as she can be. I think a girl loses something in herself when that happens, when not even her Daddy seems to love her. She might seem to become tougher, stronger...but she's not. She's smaller and weaker inside because somewhere in her life she wasn't loved like she should have been. She feels less deserving, less important, and pretty and special than maybe her friends are. It might also make her stubborn and resentful and lock away her emotions. I can't say, except for myself. No other man in my life has carved out my heart so many times, and in such a cold, ruthless fashion. He does it so harshly, callously, immaturely...he is man who has so much dysfunction brewing in his own mind...and he wreaks such havoc on mine.

I said that I didn't have a dad anymore today. I denounced you today. You make feel like hurting myself, and I can't ever EVER forgive you for that. I can't EVER forgive you for hurting my mother so many times, my beautiful, sweet, gentle mother who has been down-trodden her entire life. I can't forgive you for that. I can't forgive you for your immaturity, your continued grandiosity, disregard for anyone smaller, poorer, weaker, than you are...your bigotry...your racist, sexist bullshit. I can't forgive you for making fun of my brothers, your sons, for cutting them down over and over and over when they were little boys. My twin brother, who was an artist from the day he was born, and you NEVER appreciated it. You never could accept that a son of yours wasn't an athlete or a tough, rowyy boy. Your sons were artists, writers, musicians, gentle people, and you tore them down. I can't forgive you for hitting us and hurting us and making us believe we weren't wonderful people.

I can't forgive you for making me believe when I was a little girl that I was beautiful, that I was smart and going places, and pretending that if anyone ever hurt me...you'd be there...you told me these and you LIED. All you EVER did was lie to me and give me things only to take them away. Broken, empty fucking promises my entire life. You're the only person that's ever hurt me, Dad. When I grew up and developed my strong personality and likes, dislikes, and opinions and intelligence...you rejected me. I wasn't under your thumb anymore, I now posed a threat, and you couldn't deal with that. I used to think you were cool and important and impressive...looking at you now, as a young woman...listening to you talk, I am embarressed. I am embarressed by your ignorance, and the hatred you have for everyone. Your crippling insecurities and inadequecies seep out of your pores, and EVERYONE can see it. You are so afraid that I am smarter than you or more popular or happier or better in ANY way, and because you're sick...you can't stand it. You are a power maniac, a control freak, and it makes you insane.

I can forgive you for the drinking, the brutal words, the utter lack of support, the total disregard for my true self, and your failure to be a good father, but I CANNOT forgive you for the way you treat my family, and how you make me hate myself in that subconscious way that my strong personality won't let me believe is happeneing, but my heart knows better. I can't let you do that to me anymore.

Don't call me daughter, not fit to

-Abby

Gah!

2006-08-04T17:03:50Z

Survey

Date: 8.4.06

Time: 10:20 AM

Basics

1. What’s your porn star name? (your first pets name, and your mother's maiden name)

Blinky Schneider...now that is HOT!

2. What’s your soap star name? (your middle name, and your street name)

Taylor Oak

3. What’s your current screenname. Tell me the story of how it was chosen:

Brinni2003. I picked this when I was either in middle school or a freshman in high school...I don't remember. I had a pet Rottweiler named Nick and we were super super tight. I had a myriad of nicknames for him, one was Brinni. 2003 is the year I graduated from high school.

4. In what year were you born?

1985

5. Were you a planned pregnancy?

Not exactly

6. How did you celebrate your last birthday?

I went out to the bars with a few friends and my then boyfriend. It was my 21st.

7. How are you going to celebrate your next birthday?

No clue, buddy. It better be good.

8. Who will you spend it with?

I don't know. I assume Ross, at least.

9. What kind of town/city/village do you live in?

I live in a medium-sized to small city on the water. It's a cute little place, a place I love and know to be my home.

10. Is it a famous place that attracts plenty of tourism?

It's fairly famous for EAA and Oshkosh'B'Gosh and maybe for Oshkosh Truck, but other than that...we're not too famous. We attracts tons of people for EAA.

11. Any famous landmarks and etc?

EAA and probably some other things.

12. Are your parents married or divorced?

Le divorced

13. Who do you share your house with?

I'd like to live alone, but in the future it'd be nice to live with someone I'm in a relaitionship with.

14. Are you considered as tall or rather short?

I'd say I'm a good medium height for a female. 5' 6"

15. How many email addresses do you have?

Three, but I use one for the most part.

Food and Cookery

16. When it comes to diet and eating, how healthy are you?

I'm fairly healthy. I try not to be a huge slob most of the time, but I'm not afraid to let loose every now and again.

17. What is your favourite food?

Tough call. I love ethnic food: Japanese, Thai, and Middle-eastern are my favorites.

18. What do you eat when you’re bored?

Lately, I've been going for the ice pops and club crackers. When I'm at work...it's tootsie rolls from the candy dish.

19. Favourite junk food?

Oh, junk food. Heart. I love sweets...ice cream, cookies, candy, cake. But, I'm also a big fan of salty snacks like Doritos, Sun Chips, Gardettos, Wheat thins, etc.

20. Happy food?

Lots of happy food. Food and I are friends.

21. Favourite restaurant?

Caspian Cafe in Madison, WI

22. Favourite take out?

Probably Thai

23. Favourite sandwich fillings?

I like turkey and avocado a lot

24. How well can you cook?

Everything I try turns out pretty decent.

25. If you were to appear on the show ‘can’t cook, won’t cook’ which cook would you be (can’t or won’t):

Neither.

26. What do you cook most often?

For Jess, I used to cook a lot of Gado Gado. It's an Indonesian dish we both loved.

27. Any specialties?

Gado Gado! And this stir-frey thing we always made too, but substituted different sauces. I also make good peanut-butter cookies.

28. Do you cook for family or friends, boyfriends/girlfriends?

I really only cooked for Jess.

29. Favourite fruits?

Blueberries, grapes, peaches, pears, etc.

30. Favourite veggies?

Cauliflower, Broccoli, Asparagus, Potatoes, Onions, Carrots, Cucumbers, etc.

31. Do you eat meat or are you a vegetarian?

I used to be VEGAN even, now I'm omnivorous.

32. What foods make you want to vomit/can’t you stand?

I don't know abotu vomit per se...but, Buffalo sauce is gross. I don't like potato salad very much, head cheese is sick...pigs feet...all the weird shit...anything with really bad processed meats like "Potted Meat Product" where you know it's ground up eyelids. SICK!

33. Favourite juices?

Cranberry and Grape...the sparkling varieties are even better. Blueberry juice is pretty nice too.

34. Favourite fizzy stuff?

Sparkling grape juice

35. Favourite alcohol?

I don't really have a favorite alcohol. I drink it to get drunk, not for the taste.

36. Do you prefer tea or coffee, or don’t you drink them altogether?

I like tea every now and again...a nice chai or peppermint. I'm a hot cocoa girl at heart.

37. Are you a fussy eater?

Nope.

38. Ketchup, barbeque sauce or mustard:

Honey Mustard

39. Are you a fan of microwave dinners?

Eh, not really

40. What do you eat at Christmas dinners?

Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, peas, this really awesome corn stuff my grandma makes, deserts, etc.

41. Do you have cake on your birthdays (what kind)?

Usually. I prefer ice cream cake, but this last year my mom made me a rainbow chip cake with vanilla frosting with little blue confetti fish in it.

42. Favourite chocolates?

Truffles!

43. Favourite ice cream flavors?

Coconut Joy, Birthday Cake, Mint Chocolate Chip

44. Do you like seafood?

Yeah

45. Diet coke or regular:

Diet, but I don't drink much soda.

Holidays/vacation and traveling (depending on your nationality)

46. What holiday is most memorable to you and why?

Christmas because I see a lot of the fam, and it's my favorite holiday.

47. Worst holiday?

Something dumb like President's Day

48. Favourite holiday?

Christmas

49. Ever traveled out of the country - where?

Canada...British Columbia and Ontario

50. Favourite cities to visit?

Well, I havent been to most of the cities in the world. But, I like Chicago and Madison sometimes...Oshkosh ;)...hmmm...I like Minneapolis too. Fort Myer's Beach was cool...

51. Go on day trips often – where?

Sometimes...Hartman's Creek, Madison, The Dells, Devil's Lake, etc.

52. Been with family and friends?

On day trips? Yeah, both.

53. Furthest you’ve traveled alone?

Indiana

54. Do you want to travel the world?

More than anything...

55. Where do you want to go?

India, Africa, Russia, France, Spain, the UK, Norway, Finald, Poland, Italy, Iceland, Japan, China, etc.

56. Where would you love to go on your honeymoon?

Maybe Iceland

57. Can you drive?

Yes

YOU - Social, hobbies, adventures

58. Favourite places to go:

Restaurants, the movie theater, out with friends

59. Do you like museums and art galleries?

Yes, but I can't do it for more than a couple hours

60. Do you eat out regularly?

Maybe once a week at most

61. Where did you last eat out and who with?

Perkins with Kyra

62. When you’re bored, do you prefer to listen to music, play on computers, or watch TV?

I usually go on the computer or watch TV (typically A & E, VH1, E!, National Geographic, History Channel, Style, Discovery Channel, or TLC.

63. Can you play an instrument?

I used to play violin and flute. I'm hoping to pick up guitar.

64. If not, were there many opportunities in school to play instruments?

65. Are you a bookworm?

I used to be. I haven't been for a long time, but I'm working on it again. Currently, I'm reading The Dark Tower III: The Wastelands by Stephen King.

66. Are you outgoing?

In some settings

67. Do you drink a lot of alcohol?

No

68. Do you like dancing?

Yeah

69. How often do you exercise?

Not nearly enough

70. What do you do on the internet – research, chat, etc?

I talk to friends, check myspace, shop, check e-mail, read about various things that interest me.

71. Which friends do you love spending time with?

All of them!

72. What do you do together?

Go to the lake, go to movies, go out for drinks, go out to eat, shopping, etc.

73. Do you like to take photos?

Yes

74. How would you describe yourself as a person?

I would say I'm a friendly person, usually easygoing, maybe a bit intense sometimes, strong personality, tendency to appear scatter-brained or ditzy, lively, stubborn, alternating serious and silly moods, nervous, anxious. Fairly innocent with a dark streak

75. Can you be stereotyped?

I don't know...I don't really fall into a definitive category.

76. Do you hang around with groups of people who dress the same as you?

No. We all dress in our own style.

77. What kind of people wouldn’t you waste your time getting to know?

I have an aversion to certain types of girls.

78. Do you often have deep, intense, intellectual conversations?

Sometimes...especially when aided by magical plants.

79. Have you inherited your intelligence from your parents?

I think I'm fairly intelligent, and my parents are too...I suppose it's possible.

80. Do you know what your IQ is?

I took a test once that said it was 127. I'm not sure what the scale is.

81. Are you academically smart or just smart?

I think I have a good amount of street-smart, as well. I'm fairly academically smart, but common sense and knowing how to make it on my own are the most valuable smarts I've got.

82. How often do you meet pig ignorance?

Psh. What?

83. How do you dress?

It depends on how I feel. I like a lot of versatility. I love jeans, heels, chandelier earings, cool tops, skirts, jackets...I try to look pretty nice most of the time.

84. What kind of shoes do you wear?

I don't have many shoes that I like to wear. I almost always wear converse tennis shoes or boots in the fall and winter and either flip-flops or stack-heeled sandals in the spring and summer.

85. What kind of jewellery do you wear?

My ears are pierced six times on each ear. I wear five diamond studs in both side, and then a pair of usually dangling earrings on the bottom. Sometimes I wear a necklace, but I don't like to be too "busy." Once in a blue moon...a ring. Almost everyday I wear a black silicon "Free the West Memphis Three" bracelet.

86. What kind of hair do you have?

I have shoulder-length espresso brown (just about black) hair. It's naturally curly, but I straighten it. It's thick and shiny. I could use a trim for the split ends, but I don't want to cut it.

87. What’s your eye colour?

Medium-brown with a green hue

88. Are there people out there you are keen to avoid?

Eh, not really. If I know someone I don't like is going to be somewhere, I might stear clear.

Love and relationships

89. Are you bi, straight or gay? Sinlge, although I've thought I could potentially be bi.

90. Do you have a significant other?

Not anymore. :(

91. What is their name?

His name was Jess

92. How old are they?

21

93. What attracted you to them first?

We related on so many things...he was comfort and happiness to me at a time in my life when I had very little.

94. Are you in love with them?

I was. I may still be.

95. Where do they live?

Oshkosh, WI

96. What do they do for a living?

He works at Eyesurf Computers and at Pick'N'Save.

97. Their personality features:

Kind, sensitive, vulnerable, interesting, affectionate, funny, sometimes uptight, anxiety-prone, honest, loving, loyal, etc.

98. Do they make you go weak at the knees – why?

He used to do really sweet things at holidays and sent me a big vase of flowers at work a couple times.

99. What do they look like? (Include a picture):

100. Have you ever had sex?

What do you think?

101. Have you ever had oral sex?

It's a little early in the game to be asking that, isn't it?

102. If yes to the two above, when was the last time?

Shut up!

103. Your most recent kiss?

Oh, probably within the last week.

104. Are you two romantic?

I think we were for the most part.

105. Do you hold hands in public?

No, but I'd hook arms with him sometimes.

106. Are you affectionate in public as well as private?

I was sometimes, but Jess was shy about it.

107. What turns you on about them?

He looked good in black. He's got a nice body. He's cute.

108. Most memorable moment with them?

Most? I'm not sure...lots.

109. Most romantic moment with them?

Probably one night in October when I was out on Ames Point looking at the moon, and Jess walked out there to meet me. We stood on the rock at the very end of the point and kissed. It was totally serene.

Future

110. What is your long term plan (job etc)?

Finish undergad at Madison. Major in Psychology, maybe English too. Apply to graduate school for Counseling Psychology or School Psychology.

111. Do you intend on marrying?

I'd like to at some point.

112. If so – to who?

Psh, I don't know.

113. When would you prefer to marry?

Before I'm 30.

114. Do you want children?

Yes, I think so.

115. How many?

1 or 2

116. What will you name them?

I'm not sure, but right now I like the names: Fiona, Sage, and Rio for a girl. And for a boy...not sure. Maybe Raphael, Gabriel, Rio, and Sebastian.

117. What kind of house would you want to live in?

Something nice, but not toooo big.

118. What pets do you want?

I have a cat, and she's perfect. I also have a rat. In the future, it'd be nice to have a cat and a dog.

Miscellaneous

119. What were you afraid of then you were little?

Aliens was the big one.

120. Did you believe in fairies, goblins, ghosts and monsters?

I always wanted to.

121. Do you wear nail polish?

Yeah, right now it's bright pink.

122. What calendar do you have this year?

I have a Gashlycrumb Tinies calender.

123. Do you have a downstairs bathroom?

Yes

124. Worst names you can possibly think of?

Boris is pretty bad.

125. Strawberry or raspberry jam?

Strawberry, but I would eat raspberry too.

126. Explain your house arrangement:

No.

127. Ever ridden a horse?

Probably at some little fair

128. Do you have any pets?

I already went over this.

129. Do you get along well with them?

Yes.

130. Who can you trust?

Plenty of people

131. Who can’t you trust?

Our government

132. Favourite swearwords?

I don't know. I don't swear that often. Usually goddamn something or other or variations of fuck.

133. What are you wearing now?

A dark teal top from Express. It's very chic. Jeans from American Eagle, black chandelier earrings, and black sandals.

Finally

134. Like the survey?

135. Time now: 12:03 PM

How many times...

2006-08-02T01:06:02Z

I'm shooting for a world record: How many times you can be absolutely certain you love someone enough to stick it out until the end, only to realize that you're full of shit and witness the whole goddamn house of cards fall down...over and over and over...

Now, don't get me wrong, I probably do love the guy, ok, I probably do. But, and I'm sorry to say this John, I really am...love isn't all you need, at least not when you're talking about Jess and I. All those other little problems, what we would call in Experimental Psychology, "extraneous variables" linger and end up throwing the whole thing off, all your calculations were for shit, and you've got no choice but to scrap the whole thing and re-evaluate the entire experiment.

The scary part, the hard part of ending a relationship...I mean REALLY ending it, not fake ending it...you usually go through at least 2-3 fake endings until the real shebang, the REAL ending...I digress...the scary part, the hard part of ending a relationship is the sense of loss...what you're losing is months of hard work...getting inside someone's mind and heart and soul, all the building and the breaking down, the evolution and the influence. It's just gone, and with it go friends and family and memories that you feel obligated to throw away...at least temporarily. You start to have those awkward telephone conversations and even more excrutiating run-in at the grocery store. It's all just a big goddamn shame. It's a shame, and you know what? I'm sorry.

I will love many more, and so will he. It always sucks to imagine someone else touching them in just the same way or...can you imagine it...even deeper than you had been able to...they could be sweeter and more profound and more beautiful and funnier...know more about music and movies and know how to deal with them...and you go through that inevitable "I really fucked that one up" phase. It's going to happen, and I'm here to say I am ready for it. Destiny, do what you will with me. It's back to wishing on falling stars for Mr. Right, and in the meantime walking the streets alone. How fitting that I should be returning to Madison at almost precisely the same time. Hello Darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. We've got a lot of catching up to do...It makes the last year feel even more like a dream, a sabbatical (sp?).

Such a valuable experience. Such a wonderful person with wonderful things to put out there. Jess is a catch, and I dedicate this to you who will find your way into his heart after me...handle with care. I was too reckless and flammable to make it last. You'll be happy you did.

Sincerely,

Abigail T. True

Gross

2006-07-28T19:07:09Z

Why are people attracted to this woman? She doesn't even look like a woman...more like an ugly little boy-walking stick-fried chicken hybrid.

Good news

2006-07-20T06:56:13Z

We're patching that shizzle up. Jess and I...there is hope after all.

:)

P.S. - Went to Milwaukee to The Oriental (an amazing theater) and saw A Scanner Darkly. I have mixed feelings. I need to turn it over a few more times until I'm sure.

Madison this weekend.

Mall with Derek tomorrow.

This just sucks

2006-07-17T12:34:05Z

We tried to see each other and talk for a while last night. We went out to Wal-mart. By the time we got there we were fighting...about me drinking. Jess worries that I am too vulnerable. I get angry and feel I am being treated like a little girl who can't take care of herself. We fight.

Then, we cool down. We go home alone. We talk online and we're sorry. We want to be near each other again, willing to risk another senseless argument. Why do these things happen? It is beyond me.

I've never ended a relationship when both parties still loved each other and by all means want to be together. We're trying to take the high road..."It's best that we're not together...you know...our personalities...the fighting thing...yeah." Is there an easy way to do it?

Sigh.

I hate going to work with a mind full of trouble.

-Abby

Hello again, old friend...

2006-07-16T22:12:57Z

Disclaimer: The contents of this entry are written under emotional strain. If anything should appear over the top it is because I am trying very hard to clear my head, and in doing so...there may be some side effects. I loved this kid. I still love this kid. What will happen in the future, I don't know. But for now...

I don't mean to treat you as one of those friends only contacted when darkness falls or no one else is there to distract me. I think you must know me better than most have the last several years, and for taking it all in...the entire spectrum of emotions I've released over my teenage years here documented and the beginnings of my twenties.

Another milestone comes to pass, and so I stop in to tell you about it, and you will lock it away until I decide to reflect.

Jess and I. Me and Jess. Let's talk about us.

Our relationship has come...let me rephrase that...our relationship as it has been for the past year...has come to a close, and we are no longer what my mother might call, "an item." I am now Abby in the singular, and I begin to analyze (because it is my nature to do so) my relationship (now allegedly turned friendship, but isn't that often what one hopes for...whether or not that ends up being the case in another matter entirely). I still care about him. When I met him I was attracted to his genuine character, his sweet and humble personality. He was honest, kind, wholesome (but always wanting to be rebellious...I could tell that about him...and maybe that was what attracted him to me initially...I seemed maybe a freer spirit than he felt himself to be). I met him at a time in my life when everything I was doing was called into question, I was regularly unhappy, and living in a state of chronic indecision. With Jess came the promise of something constant in my life, something strong to hold to. If my life were an ocean storm, Jess was a lighthouse on a distant shore, promising and leading me somewhere safe to mend myself, body and soul. I will always be thankful for him. I believe that things happen for a reason, and people enter our lives we need them to be there. Within the first two months we dated, I began a document listing the reasons why I loved Jess. I added to it through the course of our relationship. He asks me...or asked, rather, "Why are you with me?" and I never seemed to say the things he wanted to hear...I never told him the things that were on that list. Maybe if I had, he would have understood how genuine I was.

Somewhere along the line the usual suspects came to haunt us, and we fought about stupid things, and became the cliche unhappy couple that I never wanted to be. I am very stubborn and have more pride than I can afford. Eventually I stopped baking cookies and leaving notes. Even though I looked at him with the same love in my heart, the anger I felt and resentment I harbored toward him after days of fighting, simply wouldn't allow me to give in and tell him what I felt. And Jess. I believe he loved me. I believe it, but I always questioned it because he would do things or say things that were incongruent with the feelings he swore he had for me. I think at the core of it...the boring line that everyone seems to use fits well...we were just so different. For Jess' part, I know I am intense, I know I'm confrontational, I know I am complicated and confusing. I think I need someone who knows how to contend with those features, who knows how to quiet my mind and put me at ease. I need a lot of patience. I'm sorry if I ever hurt Jess, and I'm sorry that our relationship ended. We both knew that couldn't be together anymore knowing that we were just hurting each other. Hearing him say those words..."...you make me feel terrible about myself," is heartbreaking. What do you say to that? Shit, what can you say? I'm sorry. That street goes two ways.

We're friends now. We're trying to be friends now. I'm moving next month, and as much as I want to believe he'll keep me close and talk to me and maybe even come to town...I am really coaxing it. I have faith in him, but maybe not faith in me. I used to write in here that I couldn't ever imagine someone truly caring for me, and not ever giving up on me. I don't mean to say that Jess is giving up...but, maybe the task is just too daunting. I don't know. This story is as old as time, and nothing I say in here is new, except for me, and I ask that...if you should chance to read this...bear with me.

Great hair

2006-07-13T19:09:45Z

I love this girl's hair. I love short hair. I love BLACK hair. :( But, I'm growing it out. Someday...

Meeeeeow!

2006-06-20T19:27:54Z

Okay. So, I'm at work. I don't do a lot of productive things at work in the afternoon...I'll admit it. If there were more things to do, hey, I'd be all about it...but, the fact of the matter is...their just ain't.

Now...I do love cats. I love them. I'm a bonafide cat fan...but, there are just some breeds that make you go...hmmm. A few:

1. Cornish Rex

2. Abyssinian

3. Sphinx

4. Siamese (if you please)

5. Selkirk Rex (or something)

6. Scottish Fold

7. Persian

8. Oriental

There are some really lovely ones. My favorites in no order are:

1. Somali

2. Russian Blue

3. Radgolls and Ragamuffins

4. Norwegian Forest Cat

5. Manx...aw, isn't he cute? They have no tails.

6. Bombay

...and many more, but I've grown tired of this. :)!

-Abby

Self-med

2006-05-22T03:11:54Z

And stripes on fire,
these hands are tired.
I’m making plans to drink away

all these words
I can’t escape.
I have to try to make you stay.

Because I’m alone,
stay with me this time (x2)

Because what I’m feeling inside,
I’m troubled or maybe I’m blind,
but I just can’t see
how this is helping me.

The stars are burning bright
like the light that lights your eyes.
Why couldn’t I see
that you were leaving?

Because I’m alone,
I need someone to be my friend.
But I can’t take anyone
who can’t stay until the end.

Because I’m alone,
stay with me this time (x2)

And the stars are burning bright,
the smoke is rising high,
the stripes are on the street,
from the mountain to the sea...

-the appleseed cast

Endings

2006-05-17T19:10:08Z

It's been a long time since I've written in here. It's been a long time since I've written anywhere. I don't write like I used to. I don't feel and think like I used to. I get afraid that all the stressing and the worrying I do about everything has begun to water me down, sift out what used to be the magical, original aspects of my person.

I feel like I'm falling further an further behind.

The semester has come to a close, and I'm getting ready to...go back to Madison. I assume that I will be going, anyway. Part of me wants to go back, the part that feels ambitious and less given to insecurity. It's difficult to go back somewhere and know that in doing so your life will instantly be made much more difficult. But, I have to ask myself what is it worth to me? I think that if I do go back, I will feel victorious, even if it results in the disintegration of my relationship with Jess and my friends back home. I will make every effort (and believe me, it's a damn good effort) to hold together my lives in both cities, one city full of love and comfort, security and familiarity, the other a place, historically full of doubt, fear, and loneliness, but also a place where I am entirely independent, and where I've developed a great deal in terms of my character.

I was driving to Madison last weekend to pick up Ross. The clouds were really spectacular, like they were when I drove to Madison for the first time with Ross. I thought about Jess and our friend Ethan. I thought about our friends Travis and Natalie. They will all be friends when I am gone. They will be together often, and experience great things and memories and nights that I will never know. I will feel so discarded, even though it isn't so. I will feel so lonely and forgotten. I get afraid that Jess will not "work" as hard as I will to make the relationship last. This isn't because I don't think he loves me or is a bad person. I have been conditioned over the years to expect disappointment.

I feel like a bird who flew into the lives of these people for one year, and somehow brought them together again, and they're happy because of it, but then I will fly away as quickly as I came and be left quite alone...again. Alone in that city whose streets I walked over and over and over always wishing for something to light my way.

I guess I'm just afraid to be forgotten when I go away. I'm afraid I will come home again and my mother will be an old woman. I'm afraid that Jess' eyes will lose their innocence and admiration...the way he looks at me now...he's so vulnerable. I'm afraid Ethan will become shut off to me once again, and we won't be friends the way I always knew we would be (and have become).

I'm afraid my dad will, once again, turn a deaf ear to me when I shamefully admit to him how miserable I am, how unlike the all-American college girl he had hoped his daughter would become. I am afraid he won't understand how much I need him.

I've always been the kind of person who believed in things like, "the good guys always win" and "what goes around comes around." Well, I want to believe in them is more accurate. While I harbor an a lot of fear, I have glimpses of hope and a very real belief that I'm going to make it out on top. For all the confusion, and the despair, loneliness, constant self-doubt, there's got to be a reward for always taking the more difficult path, hasn't there?

Ross wants to move away after graduation. I will be graduating in a year or a year and a half depending on what I can afford...two years at the very most, but I doubt that.

I'd like to go to graduate school. Ross does too. I think I'd like to go for counseling psychology. My dad likes to tell me that this is a stupid idea. But, I figure...how can I make "no money" after I've achieved a bachelor's degree from one of the most reputable public universities in the country, and a master's degree from...somewhere that probably isn't too bad? It seems ridiculous to me. Even if I don't end up doing something in counseling, surely I will be able to find a well-paying job. These are my hopes...

At any rate, what I wanted to say here was...I will move away in August...I will live in Madison for probably a couple years...then what? Then I move to whatever state houses my graduate school, provided I stick with that plan. The possibility that Jess and I will ever live in the same place again without one of us coordinating for the other, are very slim. I just hope he is as willing to make things work as I am, and if he isn't...

All these thoughts on my mind have caused me to become more distant lately. I've been irritable, far away, stubborn. My skin is in the process of thickening, my heart becoming more durable, I am preparing myself for what is to come.

-Abby

Courtesy of Ben Bannier

2006-05-04T21:34:06Z

Name 3 things in your purse/wallet:

1. A cork from New Year's Eve
2. An old, faded 7 of spades playing card with Elvis on it
3. A small piece of hematite

Name 3 things you do when you're really stressed:
1. Get work done
2. Hang out with my boyfriend
3. Go to dinner with a girlfriend

Name 3 places you go on a daily basis:

1. 800 Algoma Blvd. - UW-Oshkosh
2. 50 W. Fernau Ave. - Service-Litho Print, Inc.
3. 223 E. New York St. - la casa de Jess Ader

Name 3 favorite fruits:
1. Oranges
2. Blueberries
3. Grapes

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. a black track jacket
2. cool black pants
3. black "boy-short" underwear

| T | h | e | W | h | o | s |

Who is in the room with you?

Zilch

Who was the last person to IM you?

Ross

Who are you thinking about right now?

Ross

Who did you last talk to on the phone?

Jess

Whose house did you last go to?

Mine

Who do you sit next to in your 4th period class?

I'm not in high school anymore.

Whose birthday is next?

Mine (and Ross')! :)

Who was the last person who told you they loved you?

Jess

Who annoys you the most at school?

Mmm...maybe this girl in my Spanish class who's just...eh...she rubs me the wrong way.

T | H | E | W | H | E | R | E | S

Where is your phone?

In the side pocket of my backpack

Where is/are your parent(s)?

My mom is at work at the Winnebago Mental Health Institute in Oshkosh, WI and my dad probably just got done with work at Colbert Packaging in Elkhart, IN.

Where do you sleep?

In a big, black wrought-iron daybed at 719 Oak St., 2nd floor...first room on the right

Where is the last place you took a ride to?

I drove to work today.

| T | h | e | W | h | a | t | s |

What was the last thing you ate?

A tootsie roll

What is the closest item near you that is blue?

My Spanish book

What do you like best about school?

I like being around the people sometimes. I like that it will hopefully do something good for me someday...?

What is your favorite color?

Dark blue

What is your favorite website?

I don't really have a favorite...I most often go to my e-mail and Myspace.com

What kind of surgery have you had?

None

What do you wear more; jeans or shorts?

Jeans. I never wear shorts.

What is the last movie you watched?

The Mosquito Coast

What song do you currently hear?

Nothing

| T | h | e | W | h | y | s |

Why does basically half the world have a myspace?

"Everyone's doing it!"

Why is wood brown?

Dumb question, moving on...

| T | h | e | W | h | e | n | s |

When did you start school?

Probably either 1988 or 1989

When did you meet your best friend?

Technically, July 15th 2005.

When is your birthday?

May 9th

When did you last go to the mall?

A couple weeks ago

When did you last burn a candle?

Psh, I don't know.

When were you last at school?

at 9:00 this morning

Hello!

2006-05-04T21:14:42Z

I thought enthusiasm would be nice.

It's five days until my bithday, children. Aren't we all excited then? Oh yes...yes, yes.

Jess is taking me out to dinner. I've requested Fratello's. We ate there for New Year's Eve, and I had never been there before. Rico, rico. After dinner, I think we'll simmer down for a bit, open some presents, etc. Then, later on we're going out. I don't plan on getting hammered as is the traditional 21st birthday activity. Drunk, si...but throwing up? Eh...

So, that's that.

Spanish and Psychology will be over soon enough. We're finishing up our Psych report pretty quickly, and then it's time to begin working on our oral and poster presentations. Ah...soon, soon it will all be complete.

Verklempt about school in the fall, PER USUAL!

I have a job interview at the Y on 20th Ave. on Monday. I used to work at a gym in Madison, so I think the job wouldn't be too bad. We'll see if I even get it. Ha.

My god...I write the boringest posts ever in the history of the world.

I'm ashamed.

-Abby

brinni03 @ 2006-04-28T14:12:00

2006-04-28T19:18:09Z

I've been feeling a little under the weather lately. I've seen the doctor a couple times, and we're trying to figure it out. It seems that I'm generally all right, except for a chronic slight headache. I'm no stranger to headaches, but this new one is pesky...and it's so slight it almost isn't even there, but I do feel it. She gave me Toridol or something. We'll see how that works. She also told me I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I do get very upset about things. I just imagine the worst, and have a way of winding myself really tight. I've been so tired and not working out either, oh and eating like shit. Add that to the list. I want to feel 100% very soon! Cross your fingers! <3

Things with Jess have been going well. We just passed the 9 months mark. Yea! He took me to dinner at Jansen's yesterday, and that was fun. He's taking me out for birthday, which is a week from Tuesday. I'm excited. He got me presents too, and that'll be fun.

Mother's Day...I got my mom a really nice robe, and a candle.

I'm work at and really feeling like I want to go home. I feel like I need to go to bed.

-Abby

Update

2006-04-22T13:20:16Z

- Raisin Bran is great.

- I'm definitely going to need to work out today.

- I'm going to see Sam...who is actually named Cody, scrap the confidentiality. Not like I'm giving any very telling information. He wants to go bike riding today. We played HORSE and catch with the football on Wednesday. There is this kid, Mike, there too. He's really funny. I like a lot of the kids there. I want to know everything about them, and what's more...I want to talk to all of them and get to know them and understand them. There was a girl there last time, "the new girl" who looked incredibly forelorn and depressed and wouldn't talk to or look at anyone, just sat against the wall. When I walked in she ever so slightly lifted her eyes to look at me, and she caught my eyes looking back, and I smiled and she did too, but in the most tentative way. I wanted to know her. But, I feel a lot of pressure to only become close to Cody. He gets very jealous and rowdy when I pay too much attention to the other kids.

I also am applying at a few jobs today in the Prime Outlet Mall. A lot of places are hiring actually, which is great of course.

Regarding the Psych project...we're in the experimenting phase now. I've tested 6 participants so far. Next week we will hopefully get around 10-15 more. Then, the heat is on to get the data analyzed and graphically represented and incorporated into our report...not to mention the oral presentation or the poster presentation. Ah...

Spanish is over in 3 weeks. Nice!

I am 21 in...17 days, I think. That's pretty crazy.

Jess and I saw Silent Hill last night with Joe and his girlfriend. It was bizarre. Jess and I had a lot of problems with it. Jess has been really stressed out lately about school. He's got these papers to do, and he's just dreading it. We're both very pumped for summer though. We're planning out some concerts we want to see...camping excursions...we want to start a running regimen together...hanging out at the lake...and of course working. I do need to work a lot this summer. Damn right.

I am getting worried about Madison. I'm so anxious about what it will be like.

Emmy and Kitty are doing great.

This day looks like it's shaping up to be really beautiful. I want to bike ride or something. Maybe I'll walk to my grandparents' or something.

-Abby

Kitty

2006-04-07T19:49:25Z

Ross' cat, Pikita, whom I have always called, "Kitty" has come to live at the house with Emmy, my mom, and I (and of course, Sidney). She wasn't doing well in Ross' apartment. She was being attacked by one of the other cats, patches of her fur was falling out, and she had a terribly infected case of feline acne all over her chin.

The first night I brought her home, Emmy was PISSED. Cat's are very territorial. Emmy is normally the absolute darlingest, silliest, sweetest, cuddliest, most personable kitty you could ever meet in all your life, but ever since Kitty has arrived it's been different. We don't have the same relationship we used to and it really upsets me. While the girls are getting along fine now for the most part, a definite heirarchy has been established, with Kitty at the top. I think this must be a cat thing. Emmy no longer sleeps with me, Kitty does. Emmy lays on the floor outside my room. Kitty eats first. Kitty lays in Emmy's nest, and Emmy allows it, even though I know it bothers her. Emmy is a one-cat household kind of girl. When I move, only Emmy will be coming along. Kitty will stay with my mom.

Kitty was given antibiotics for her acne. It's called Clavamox it is a white sweet-smelling liquid that I have to give to her two times a day. She struggles, but ends up taking it pretty well. Antibiotics are always so amazing to me, how quickly and efficiently they work. Her feline acne, which was so gross, I initially wondered if it wasn't some form of skin cancer, has almost entirely cleared up in a matter of two days. Imagine what will happen by the time the medicine is gone.

I have been working out more lately, and it's a good thing. I've been trying for at least 3 times a week. I got to get some new shoes to work out in. It's ridiculous. I've been using the same pair I've had since sophomore year in high school, and a pair of Sauconys that are actually meant to be street shoes. But, a good pair of work out shoes are bloody expensive...

It's been reaffirmed, for the 1000th time, something is severely wrong with my dad, mentally. Most of the time he an absolute cancer to my happiness. He promised me he would pay part of my tuition this semester. I called him to remind him of the impending due date. His first words to me (after not talking to him for probably a month), "You're mom is such a bitch! I'm seriously considering hiring someone to tamper with her car so it doesn't work. I'm serious." He praddled on to talk about money and what a stupid bitch she was for telling he owed her some. Keep inmind my dad makes over 4 times as much as my mom does. His entire world revolves are money. He's actually very easy to analyze. Psychologically, he's very complex, but fairly textbook by what I can tell. He is such an insecure, power-hungry, and controlling man. I pity him, but still cannot escape the devastating power he has to make me feel like a shadow. It's so tragic what's happened to him. So anyway. He told me that he was "broke" and would not be helping me with my tuition after all, nor my car repair. I wanted to ask if he honestly thought I, a college student and working part-time, had more money than he did. I don't even mind the paying, but it's the broken promises that wear me out.

I feel further away from him than I ever have.

What to do, what to do.

-Abby

Last night I closed my eyes and saw desert sand

2006-04-04T21:08:29Z

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, in those moments just before you fall asleep, I'll see the most vivid images of faraway places, and the view I have is through my own eyes and I'm always flying through the air. Last night it was desert sand, enormous dunes stretching out as far as I could see. The sun was setting, and an yellow/orange glow covered everything in sight. Sometimes, it's frightening like when I am flying over a body of water. I'm often plummeted into the water, and I don't like that. One time the lake was frozen and I fell in, crashing through the ice.

I have a feeling creeping up on me. I want to be ecstatic about summer and classes ending. I am sometimes, but then there's the biting worries that never leave me alone, I suppose, ought not to either. They're things I need to deal with. Where am I going next fall? What am I going to do for work this summer? Etc, etc. But there is something else, something closer to the heart that troubles me...

I was at the Winnebago Mental Health Institute today (WMHI) to meet with the volunteer coordinator and the unit advisor. I got my assignment and met the person who I will be working with. I won't be in the Gemini unit as was originally the plan. I will be in the Adolescent unit, Sherman 5 and 6. I have been assigned to a boy, who I will call Sam, for confidentiality purposes.

Sam has a sad story. He's in the 7th grade. His mother is dead, having died unexpectedly. His father left him, and he has no other family lfet to care about him or indeed even know whether or not he is alive. He has "a lot of issues" I've been told, extreme abandonment issues. He was described to me as "a very manipulative boy." I was told that he would try to get things from me: money, food, toys, etc. I wanted to say, "He's a kid. What else is new?" At first they were going to use my visitation as a reward. I would only be allowed to visit Sam when he had done everything asked of him for the week. I thought this was especially cruel. What sort of treatment is that...to reward a boy without friend nor family with someone to hang out with when he's been good. They felt the same after a while, and it's been decided that I will visit him on Wednesday nights and on Saturday.

They told me that on the weekend...when the families come to the unit, Sam is always alone and looks enviously at the other kids with people who actually care about them. Just listening to his story I wanted to begin right then and there. Situations like Sam's reaffirm to me what I want to do with my life, counseling people like Sam, who the rest of the world seem to forget.

Finally, I got to meet Sam. I was warned that he might be difficult because he's been put on a "Med-Wash." He's been stripped of all his medication, I don't know why. A boy walked into the room. He was about 5'1" tall, verging on chubby, and slightly flushed. He had short brown hair and big, round blue eyes. Just looking in his eyes you could tell he had so much inside of him.

He nervously shook my hand. His hand was felt timid and limp, although he seemed eager to have someone to talk to, excited that someone would be coming just to talk to him. Then, right in front of him, the unit head spoke in loud, clear, staccato words as though he were mentally handicapped, "Remember earlier when you got very upset? You thought she was going to meet with you TODAY? It's not today, is it? It's tomorrow. I AM meeting with her today, right?"

Sam: Yes

Unit head: Do you see where you were mistaken?

Sam: Yes

Unit head: Look at me when you're talking.

Sam: (looks)

This went on for a while. It struck me as a little uneccesary.

Then, he left and sat in the hallway. I left shortly after and the volunteer coordinator (VC) and I walked over by Sam to say goodbye. The VC said, "So, seems like a pretty good match, huh Sam? She's kinda cute too, isn't she?" Sam blushed. I smiled at him, and did gave him a silly thumbs-up gesture. He shyly smiled. The VC asked Sam if it was all right if she told me his history and if I read his chart. Sam said it was fine, but, "...not about my Mom. I'll tell her about that." He later mentioned it again before I left. He would tell me tomorrow, he said, "It's a bad story." We left. I said, "See you tomorrow, Sam."

He perked up and said, "See you tomorrow. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. See you tomorrow."

He's excited about this, and I am too.

-Abby

I don't know what happens

2006-04-02T06:49:04Z

I hardly ever update anymore. I feel bad about that because I think it is because I am uninteresting. It's become very clear to me that I am such an ordinary person. Some people have "it" whatever "it" may be, and I feel certain that I do not. This isn't melodrama or self-pity. This is the conclusion an attempted realist has come to after years of introspection. But, it's not as though I were searching for that answer, it's just to occurred me in a picture more whole, clues pieced together over a long period of time, and I am now able to stand back and see the entire masterpiece. I am surely not without positive or original qualities, but I don't think I can honestly call myself anything but average.

Moving along.

Things in my life have been generally predictable. I go to school. I don't like it. The weather is getting nicer, and I am very happy about that. I work 1-5 Monday through Friday. I need a second part-time job for the summer, and ideally...would begin it very soon. Money is my friend, there's really no denying that. It seems to me that I've applied at tons of places in Oshkosh, and either can't find positions that fit my hourly needs, or they're not hiring. It's all terribly frustrating. My psychology project is going all right. The stress moves in clusters. One week I am on the verge of having an anuerism, and the next, I am perfectly content, certain that we are light years ahead of the game.

I am still doing Big Brothers Big Sisters, but I don't think my "little" is very into it. Her name is Haley. She's almost 11 and she never returns my phone calls. It's ridiculous. When we do actually hang out it goes well enough, but I just don't think she's as into it as she ideally should be. I have the feeling it was sort of a pressure thing for her to be involved. Ugh...

I will start volunteering at the Winnebago Mental Health Institute soon. I'll hopefully be in the Gemini unit working with adults with Drug/Alcohol problems as well as psychiatric conditions. I am excited about it.

I am also excited about Rope Burn, a new cardio class at the Y. They use interval training which is very effective.

I took my angel to the vet on Friday. They did almost nothing more than check her vitals and draw blood. It cost me $123. I almost choked when I was told my bill. Furthermore, they gave Emmy some special prescription food because she has a long-time habit of throwing up a bit too often. She really seemed to like the new food at first...but tonight she threw it all up, worse than the usual food too. :( My poor baby...

I've had a lot of bills lately. It scares me.

Jess has been very generous lately with affirmations of his feelings for me. I appreciate that to the nth degree. Our relationship is approaching 9 months, and I continue to care for him like I did when we began dating, with the added bonus of a comfort level kindred to that between the best of friends. Jess and I are good, and yet...and yet...I find myself disconsolate more often than I deem appropriate.

I was driving in my car tonight, alone. I began talking to myself as I often do when in solitude. These are usually imaginary conversations I am having with someone, things I would like to say perhaps, but never have or never will, depending. I was talking and crying at the same time in my 20-yr old Volvo sedan on the corner of 9th Ave. and Koeller St. I began thinking about my family and talking about them in this imaginery conversation I was having, and I soon I was crying so that my body shook and my vision blurred, obscurring the road ahead of me. I thought about my mother and my father, my darling brothers. I hated myself for hurting them ever. I hated the thought of the distance between us, how divided we all fall. I thought about the future and the pain they would go through, and I couldn't stand it. I can't stand to think of them too much, or I become so heartbroken I can barely retain my composure.

I have Jess, and I know he loves me. I know that I love him too, and certainly would not give him up. And yet I am alone inside these walls within my mind, carefully crafted over time. I am alone in that every battle I fight in this life, and every victory I achieve, and everything I have is because of what I have done. I know that I am a strong person, and sometimes a stern person, aloof and even neurotic. I am the way I am because I am the only person who will carry me through. I don't have parents who will bail me out, or lots of friends to support me. I am the strong one in my family, the one who will bear the brunt of the problems and the pain. I will not ever ask for money or expect things in return. I've become conditioned to be this way. Some days when Jess tells me about all the problems in his life and the stress he is under, the insensitivity of his parents or how inconsiderate his brother is, I want to beg him to be grateful. What I would give for his circumstances...

I became so paranoid today. I was half convinced that I had a brain tumor. I have been given to headaches for most of my life. I have headaches that will last days at a time. I have been getting swift, brief sharp pains in my upper jaw and various parts of my head. They are quick and dizzying. I have become so tired lately, wilting if I don't get 8 hrs of sleep, whereas I am used to being nearly an insomniac. My nana died from a brain tumor the size of a grapefruit when she was in her 50s. She never even knew it was there.

I've been reading a lot about conspiracy theories lately. I bought a book by David Icke called, "The Truth Will Set You Free." I'm eagerly anticipating it. I've been reading about the New World Order/the Illuminati, Freemasons, Skull and Bones, etc, etc. I like to read about Antichrist theories and its parallels with the New World Order. I am particularly interested lately in the Hollow Earth theory, which is probably absurd, but which delights me. According to the Hollow Earth theory there is a hole in the North Pole, and indeed, all the planets, which lead to hollow interiors. Inside our earth are supposed rich lands and strange peoples and animals and crystalline cities and an inner sun. Again, I realize the extreme fantastical nature a theory like this has...but, *sigh...imagine if it were true. Something is happening to me, I think. I am beginning to believe that there is more magic in our world than we know. I believe the world is not as we know it. I feel like something is going to happen in my lifetime, maybe even soon, that will shake the world in which we live, something really shattering.

Who knows, I suppose.

<3 Abby

brinni03 @ 2006-03-15T13:49:00

2006-03-15T20:15:01Z

Although it pains me in a nostalgic way, Livejournal, I've been thinking of ending your almost 4-yr existence. I just don't devote the love and the sweat that I used to. You no longer flutter through my mind whenever something delightful should affect my person, and the promise that you would always hear me when I needed someone to listen no longer moves me as it once did. *sigh...Livejournal, I think we ought to embark on separate paths, although you will forever haunt my memory.

A decision on this matter will be executed shortly.

I get afraid that I the reason I don't write as much as I used to is because I've lost something that made me better than I am now. I don't name it now because I don't know what it would be called. I've always wished to be better with words, and I feel no different in this moment.

Well. At any rate.

Jess' 21st Birthday is today. Happy birthday to you, my dear. It's funny to think we've been together for about 8 months, already, when it seems like summer was absolutely last week. Speaking of summer, oh glorious glorious summer...I can't wait. I want to be outdoors a maximum amount. I want to go on insane bike trips, hikes, camping, road trips, everything. I want to take pictures of everything and everyone and read like crazy, work as much as I can, go walking at night for miles, mmm. I predict, no...no, I DEMAND a summer of adventure and spontaneity. I will be leaving again in the fall. I will be going back to Madison, and I swear to myself that my spirit will not disintigrate. I will not waste another day being miserable when I am there. It will not be like it was the first time. I am so much wiser now. I hope that I am.

For Jess' birthday I got him:

4 Leinenkugel's pint glasses, each with a different brand on the glass: Northwoods, Oktoberfest, Creamy Dark, and Big Butt Dopplebock.

I got him Devo: Greatest Misses and Dire Straits first album

I also got him a $20 gift certif. to buy cigars and blueberry donuts for breakfast.

We're going to Red Robin tonight for dinner with Travis and some other friends of Jess' from work.

I will probably hang out alone in my lair tonight watching either Jane Eyre or Titanic. ;) I rented them both today. Jess will be going out and boozing it up for his birthday. I am not 21 until May.

There should be laws banning cuteness of this magnitude

2006-03-10T23:34:49Z

brinni03 @ 2006-03-06T16:53:00

2006-03-06T22:59:21Z

Oh man. I have the worst sinus headache I've had in, what I would say, must be years.

It feels like my head is in a terrible, tight vice and my eyes to water, and I don't want to cough too hard or think too hard or even move too much. Blargh. I feel nauseous. Headaches are awful, although I very rarely will get genuinely sick outside of a bad headache.

I've been looking for a second job for a few evenings a week and on weekends. Not a lot of luck so far, although I've applied several places. It's difficult to find someplace with the specific hours I need. For shame.

We've begun our projects in experimental psych. I am with the same girls as I was before when we did our field study. By the way, we got 59/60 on that project. Awesome. :D For this project, which will take the duration of the remaining semester, we're pretty sure we're going to do a spin on a study our professor did in China examining own-race bias in facial recognition tasks. Our experiment will be done with children, however.

It's the goal of my group to fashion an original study (required) and eventually take it to a psychology conference (surpassing requirements). From there you can be published if it happens that way. It all seems very stressful to me.

Sigh, we'll see what happens... I always say that. ;)

-Abby

The moon

2006-03-02T04:38:08Z

The moon will never lie to anyone. Be like the moon. No one hates the moon or wants to kill it. The moon does not take anti-depressants and never gets sent to prison. The moon never shot a guy in the face and ran away. The moon has been around a long time and has never tried to rip anyone off. The moon does not care who you want to touch or what color you are. The moon treats everyone the same. The moon never tries to get in on the guest list or use your name to impress others. Be like the moon. When others insult and belittle in an attempt to elevate themselves, the moon sits passively and watches, never lowering itself to anything that weak. The moon is beautiful and bright. It needs no makeup to look beautiful. The moon never shoves clouds out of its way so it can be seen. The moon needs not fame nor money to be powerful. The moon never asks you to go to war to defend it. Be like the moon.

-Henry Rollins, Solipsist

I've come across some revelations tonight. I've been in a very dull-penny frame of mind, if I may. I hate that. I can't do that.

I do have plans for my life. I have plans of what I do not want to be. Especially that.

Word

2006-02-25T13:28:36Z

Hey hey.

It's morning. I don't usually work Saturdays, however today I have to go in at 8:30 and be there a few hours to learn some new shite, I guess. Pshh. WhatEV.

Jess and I are going out to dinner tonight. I've request Nakashima, this lovely Japanese restaurant in Appleton. Me gusta comida Japonesa!

I'm thinking a definite Y trip is in order today. I used to be in pretty good shape. The key phrase being "used to" in that sentence. It's gotten pretty bad, ladies and gentlemen. Although, Jess insists up and down he loves me this way, he would hate it if I lost a bunch of weight...I'm just uncomfortable much of the time. He is very sweet, and very generous with the compliments, and I love that about him.

Experimental Psych is still mortifying. We got 100% on our presentation, but our report on the same topic is worth five times as many points, and I'm scurred. We shall see.

I signed up for a class so can I get my Bartending License. I figured it'd be a nice thing to have in case I wanted to tend bar somewhere this summer. You know, make some more cash.

Still don't REALLY know what to do about next year...Madison or Oshkosh, you know the routine.

I think if I get this 911 Dispatcher job with the county, then I'll stay. It's full-time and can start as high as 20.00/Hr. depening on what skills you have.

I sent in my resume and a cover letter a few weeks ago. They sent me information about the job, and said they would contact qualified applicants for a typing test. They contacted me for one about a week later. You needed 35 words/min to pass. I got almost 70. So, I have to take a 2-hr written test at the Sunnyview Expo Center next week Wednesday. We'll see how this goes. It's full-time too...so I'd quit my job at Service Litho...but let's not be too hasty. I'll just wait it out.

Talk to you later,

Abby

closing thoughts on a night blue

2006-02-22T06:02:39Z

I'll Catch You

the days behind you are haunting / the ones your living in now / the ghost of your past carries / the weight of your name / where would you be who are you / without the scarring and the heals that stepped on you / that you cling to with all of your strength / let go - freefall - it's scary I know to forgive all of the devils / let go - i'll catch you / It's scary I know to understand what must be done

58 guthrie street / an old postcard you sent / to help close up wounds that I love to reopen / quarters in the tequila / on the streets of houston / you can keep on drinking / but never drown out where you've been / let go - freefall - it's scary I know to forgive all of the devils / let go - i'll catch you / It's scary I know to understand what must be done

there is a statesman servant beneath / the thick skin of remembering / armor for protection / let go - freefall - it's scary I know to forgive all of the devils / let go - i'll catch you / It's scary I know to understand what must be done

-rocky votolato